— ChapterSix —
I had first contacted an attorney for advice six months ago. Now he was calling to alert me that my petition for financial support had been filed in the circuit court.
Mounds of paperwork were necessary to defend my reasons for requesting support. For months I felt as though I was hacking my way through a dark and impenetrable jungle. False innuendoes and relentless questions had to be addressed. And lists! They were endless. A list of living expenses was required to substantiate my needs. A list of projected monthly expenses, then annual expenses had to be explained. The value of my life had been reduced to cold incalculable lists! A total stranger would be looking for the slightest misrepresentation to challenge or deny. Every penny was subject to rebuttal. I felt exposed to public scrutiny. No question was overlooked. Nothing was sacred anymore.
I was trying to rely upon God’s Word to prepare me for this battle. In the Old Testament book of Judges, chapter seven, God taught Gideon to trust Him when the odds were against him. God requested Gideon to go to the edge of the enemy’s camp and there he would hear what was rumored among the troops on the other side. Then God added, “…if you are afraid to go down, go with Purah, your servant, down to the camp.”
I was relieved when I read in verse eleven, “…so he went with Purah, his servant, down to the camp.”
God encouraged me with Gideon because I, too, was afraid. I was afraid to appear in court, afraid for what would happen there. Would I win? Would my needs be met? I worried about the person who was to sit in judgment. After all, this was just another domestic case. Having heard thousands already, would he be indifferent or insensitive to my needs at the hearing?
I purposely had set aside all day Saturday to pray before Friday’s court date. I wanted to be so close to God, so completely immersed in His love and strength that I wouldn’t feel this sharp pain of worthlessness. Sometimes it hurts to live. This was one of those moments. I had to fight the one I loved for monetary support.
“Lord, I’m struggling. You tell me that You are good,that Your mercies are everlasting and your truth endures to all generations.20 You say that You will not withhold any goodthing.21 I just don’t understand. Is going to court good?Lord, this is so hard! Am I one whose heart You saw and said, ‘She will not turn back?’ Did You say from heaven that I will stand, therefore You gave me a heavier load?
“Lord, I do want to stand, but these last few months have been exhausting and emotionally trying! This furnace is so hot! Am I refined enough, Lord? Have I passed the test? Do You see Your face reflected in me yet?
“From The Pursuit of God,A. W Tozer said dying is not easy. I want to die to all my rights, Lord, but I’m not sure I can. And now I go to court because I am no longer wanted. My value has been bartered between attorneys. I feel as though I am nothing but an unwanted monetary expense. I am treated as cheap merchandise in the eyes of the one who once considered me priceless. An intrusion in the life of the one who once loved me.”
Before the court date my counselor had advised, “Don’t think that a monetary award of the court is the deciding factor as to whether you win or lose. A secular judicial system may or may not be fair. If it is not, then God will provide for you in other ways. The one who seeks the Lord is the one who wins the battle. Donna, you have already won!” 22
My legs were shaking as I walked toward the courthouse. I ran my finger down the alphabetical list of approximately forty names in the enclosed glass docket. Latecomers frantically scurried in front of the roster, not wanting to be late for their hearing. “Look at all those names,” I thought, “all the broken lives represented by this list alone. And there will be another list on Monday!”
My attorney and I waited by the doors with others who had cases to be heard. When the clerk opened them, I thought of the doors that opened when I walked down the aisle on my wedding day. I had never thought I’d walk through these doors. Never!
“Lord, thirty years ago my husband and I declared our love for You and each other. We vowed that we would honor and cherish one another, not abandoned and neglect the other. And now, Lord, here we are for the entire world to see. We, who are one in Your eyes, who are called by Your name, are now a public mockery of Your name! I can’t make my husband keep his covenant to me. Lord, this is not what I wanted! I can’t change his heart! Please protect me as I enter this battlefield. There’s more at stake than I can comprehend.”
I prayed silently, “God, are You here?” wondering whether my question rebounded off judicial walls or was heard by my Father’s attentive ear.
The time for my hearing was scheduled last; therefore no one else was in the courtroom when we were called.
God was there!23
“God, are You here?” I prayed again. The time allowed before a judge in such a case was no more than thirty minutes.
This judge sat on the bench for over an hour.
God was there!
“God, are You here?” I still questioned.
“Better start praying,” my attorney advised, knowing how this judge typically ruled. “She is known to be indecisive. We might not get a judgment on this matter for weeks.”
But as soon as the arguments were heard, the gavel fell. No waiting. No deliberations. Judgment was made on my behalf. Support was granted. My requested needs would be met. I wouldn’t have to move from our house. I could stay close to friends who encouraged and prayed for me.
God was there! Indeed!
Even though emotionally fatigued, I couldn’t go to bed until I penned this verse, using my name, in my journal:
“Now the same night it came about that the Lord said to Donna,just as He had said to Gideon, ‘Arise, go down against the camp, for I have given it into your hands. But if you are afraid to go down, go with your servant (attorney), down to the camp, and you will hear what they say; and afterward your hands will be strengthened that you may go down against the camp.’ So she went down with her servant (attorney). And it came about when Donna heard the account, she bowed in worship.”
Copyright 2001, 2004 Donna Christensen
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Published Online by: The Biblical Reader
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