— Chapter Thirty —
Neverwould I have believed that I would still be picking up pieces and working through the debris of my life from four years ago. “It’s a lifetime process,” a mother of five told me who had also felt the unspeakable sting of divorce. Through all the hurdles, hurts, and pain, God had done great things for me. He is still changing me from the inside out, and continues to burden me to pray for the one who walked away.
I called my ex-husband one Sunday afternoon to ask if he would be willing to meet me for lunch. His office was only a few miles from mine. This would be the first time in over three years that he and I had talked about something other than legal matters. There were still raw places in my heart that needed to heal and I thought that a face-to-face encounter might help bring more closure. He agreed to meet.
Nervously, I leaned against one of the pillars outside my office building as I waited. After a somewhat awkward greeting, I suggested that we walk to a nearby carryout and pick up a couple of pitas. I had planned for us to eat on a park bench overlooking the Potomac River since it was a relatively mild March afternoon. But as soon as we sat down, dark clouds suddenly formed sending a cold pelting rain that forced us to retreat to the delI nearby.
Ignoring people walking back and forth to select sodas from the dispenser next to our table, I focused on what I wanted to share: how God had sustained me through the most difficult time in my life. I also wanted the father of my children to know that I didn’t hate him nor did I regret knowing him, loving him, and sharing thirty years of my life with him.
After lunch, we stepped outside and I handed him this prayer that I’d recently written, hoping he might get a glimpse of what God had been doing in my heart:
Lord, what an absolutely gorgeous afternoon! As I sit out here on the deck, sipping coffee and listening to the wind chimes play in the soft breeze, my face is warmed by a zillion sunbeams as I stretch from this winter’s long nap!
I wonder if there are others enjoying these same moments. Surely, I’m not the only one basking in Your warmth or enjoying the beauty of your brushstroke across the skies. I’m sharing Your goodness with those who know You and those who do not. You do not hold back Your faithfulness for a few. Your goodness can be enjoyed by all. The sun warms their faces just as much as it does mine.99
Well, Lord, You’ve seen me through my fourth winter, and what a winter that was! Snow, freezing temperatures, ice—and more snow! The blizzard of ‘96 was history in the making. You wrapped Your arms around me and covered me with warm blankets of love and protection. You kept that old furnace going. What a miracle! Thank you again, Lord, for watching over me.
By the way, I’ve noticed that the path we’ve walked lately has been relatively smooth. No hurdles! No ruts! No stones! Unbelievable!
Lord, remember those days when together we walked through that valley of the shadow of death? Sharp jagged rocks and treacherous pitfalls were everywhere. Haunting nightmares kept me awake. I felt as though I had been beaten thirty-nine times by one who held a metal-tipped whip, unable to move. Lord, that was so hard to bear!
But I also remember when You picked me up and held me in Your arms. Your words of comfort were a soothing ointment to my wounds.
Father, this is not what I wanted. How often I prayed that my marriage would have been the one that would break the chains that bound our parents’ marriage failures. Lord, please guard my children’s families. Don’t allow another tragedy to touch the next generation. Please break the heart of the father of my children. May this not continue on.
This dad doesn’t realize that if he would only be willing to seek You with his whole heart, then You would bring healing and wholeness not only to his life, but to the lives of those who were precious to him—lives which were once shattered, but, because of You, not hopelessly destroyed. He doesn’t realize that he could gain far more respect from his children if he allowed You to change his heart rather than thinking that sooner or later everyone will have to “get over it,” because he is just fine. That’s straight from the pit of hell, isn’t it, Lord? He is being deceived by Your enemy. He tries to hide, but Lord, he cannot hide from You!
I wish the father of my children knew how much his children longed for him to repent; they wonder how long he will choose to reject You.
I can’t imagine how much he must hurt, yearning to restore the relationship he once had with our children, in an environment of forgiveness, openness, and vulnerability.
I can’t imagine how dark his nights must be and overcast are all his days. He is consumed by hours and hours of work, worn down, perhaps wondering at the end of a grueling day if he might discover, like Joseph’s brothers, that a silver cup has been placed in his pouch of grain.100 The detection would be frightening, Your consequences unknown, but done in love to bring about the gift of restoration—to bring about good.
I can’t imagine how long he can go on without knowing You in a deep and intimate way. For I know that when You are first in his heart, then he will finally have peace and seek what is right.
Lord, thank You for Your faithfulness. I love it when I look to You and with a smile You shower me with Your blessings! Thank you for blessing me with friends—friends who are real, friends who still stand in the gap, friends whose hearts You burden to pray. How privileged is the father of my children to have them whisper his name before Your throne of grace. He doesn’t understand how much Your people love him and want what is best for him. He will never know how much he was loved, and is still loved today.
Lord, I can never stop believing that one day the heart of this dad, for whom we continually pray, will come to You through the valley of brokenness. I can never stop believing that he will once again bring honor—not disgrace—to Your name. I pray that one day he will hear You say, “Blessed are those whose lawless deeds have been forgiven, and whose sins have been covered.”101
Lord, it is getting a little dark. I can’t see beyond that tree. I’ve enjoyed sitting out here with You so much, but it’s time to go in. I wonder, where will we walk tomorrow? Will there be hills to climb, a wall to leap over, or a valley ahead? Will the day be pleasant like today, or will these winds that are picking up bring in a cold front? Oh, it really doesn’t matter as long as You are here. I couldn’t bear to go on without You. I just couldn’t. And all these questions, all my concerns, I know I can’t fix them, only You. I’m so thankful that I can give them all to You. Thank You, Lord, that you are always with me, no matter what!
As we stood outside the deli, my ex-husband tucked my unread prayer in his coat pocket. Departing he commented, “I’m glad you’re okay.”
Surprised by such a remark, I didn’t know how to respond. “Okay?!” Was that similar to, ‘Have a good day’?
I wanted to believe that he meant something more. I wanted to believe that “okay” meant he saw God’s power radiating in my life, but I will never know. I’m not sure what prompted him, but he repeated a little more emphatically, “I really am glad you’re okay.”
With a million things I could have said, the only word that came out of my mouth was, “Amen!”
It was hard to shake his hand as if we were casual acquaintances. It was hard to realize that I would never feel his hug again. It was hard to believe we lived in different worlds. It was hard to turn and walk away.
Copyright 2001, 2004 Donna Christensen
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Published Online by: The Biblical Reader
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