— Chapter Twenty-Three —
It started with a card—just a simple card. Not elaborate or conspicuous, but tucked in an ordinary white envelope. An old basket once used for canning jars now held heartfelt expressions from so many. I’d chosen to believe that each one was God’s way of giving me a hug. So it wasn’t unusual to receive a card today with no return address. As I tore open the envelope while standing by the mailbox, embers of astonishment and excitement sparked my emotions. It was from a man I knew. When he had learned about my situation, he had been noticeably moved with compassion.
Within the few seconds it took to walk back into the house, a fortress of countless thoughts and emotions began to build. The clock ticked away seconds, minutes, and ultimately an hour as I sat frozen in my kitchen chair staring at this card. I laid it down only to pick it up again to read and reread every word. Suggestive ideas yelled from their now secured lofty places in my mind.
“Does this card deliver something more than encouragement?” I didn’t want to think how wrong I was to entertain such a thought. Rather, I preferred to be mesmerized with the idea that someone outside my normal circle of friends had considered me interesting. That felt good. My husband had thrown me away like unwanted trash. I tried to substantiate my reasons for massaging this fantasy because this man valued me enough to send a card.
Truth began. “Look, the card was only a nice gesture. That’s all. It was just one of the many thoughtful and encouraging responses you have already received.”
Lies interjected, “No! It was more than that!”
Truth responded, “It was nothing more than a friendly expression of concern.”
“Never!” Lies exclaimed. “You need to take this opportunity to thank him for the card and his kindness. It could spark a special interest. That attention would be good after your rejection’
Truth, aware of this stronghold,68 warned, “You don’t need to approach him. You need to stay away. Your vulnerability for such attention is at a peak.”
Truth was right. I was extremely vulnerable.
“I’m afraid that just as Eve was deceived by the serpent’s cunning, your mind may somehow be lead astray from your sincere and pure devotion to Christ,”69 Truth cautioned.
This encounter with the card opened up a whole new world of temptation I had never experienced before. Why was I struggling with this? Deep down I really didn’t want to disobey what God had clearly said in His word. I knew what I should have done. I should have taken captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ,70 but this strong irresistible pull to be special to someone was like a magnet strong enough to lift steel beams. My power against such thoughts was impotent. The human desires that God created in me screamed out that I was in control of my life. Why should I have to obey God to get them met? Like a damsel in distress, I longed for a prince to take me away.
Throughout the day, my fantasies and illusions kept getting tangled up with truth and reality. I didn’t try to separate them. I went to bed concurring in my loneliness that the special attention I craved could somehow be met through a blasé encounter with one who was not God’s best: He was married.
Caffeine boosted my awareness of a new day, a clean slate, new mercies71 as God defined it, from yesterday’s mail. As I sipped my first cup of coffee, trying to avoid the challenge that was looming over my morning—to see how God would manifest Himself today—I cleaned off the kitchen counter. As I walked through the family room to get a dust cloth, a shout from the radio stopped me.
“Don’t walk on thin ice,” this fiery Dallas preacher warned. “If you want to go ice fishing in the middle of a lake and you’re not sure how thick the ice is, then don’t go there!” he punctuated with his stirring passionate voice. “If you’re a recovering alcoholic, stay away from bars! If you’re confronted by druggies, go home a different way! If you’re struggling with something that can lead you down a wrong path, run away! Only you, God, and your enemy know your weakest link!”
His words were quick and to the point. Drowning in a sea of conviction, I listened as my dust cloth stirred up more dust than it collected. The god of this world had targeted my weakest link! I shook the bars of my imprisoned cell that I had willingly entered yesterday, then fell into a heap on the floor.
“God, it’s so unfair! It’s so hard!” I confessed. “I liked the feelings I had when that person reacted compassionately to my plight. He seemed to have felt my pain. My husband didn’t think I was good enough, but this man must see value in me!”
Then a bucket of cold reality slapped me in the face. “God, what’s wrong with me? I am struggling with the same thing that brought me so much pain!”
I felt as if I had been maimed by a huge cat that was amusing himself with my efforts to escape. With a sinister grin, he batted me around with his paw, waiting to claim his prey.
“God, if I don’t escape, I’ll be one more statistic whom the world will mock! And my children…what about my children? I would never be able to look in their faces again and tell them that You are sufficient. I would be a mockery to what I believe. My life would have no power, no purpose anymore!”
Lovingly, God waited for a chance to speak. He told me why I needed Him to fight this battle.
“Satan wants to destroy you, Donna. He hates you. He gained a stronghold in your marriage and tore it apart. Now he desires to have you. He wants to render you powerless. He will try to kill, steal, and destroy72 anyone who will follow him. Listen! His plans are evil. He will exploit you. He doesn’t want you to use My power to say no to his evil plan. He doesn’t love you, Donna, but I love you deeply.”
“Father, You are my power to say no! Oh, God, I don’t want to disobey You! I don’t want You to come looking for me, only to find me curled up in a cold abandoned corner of hopelessness. Help me resist my enemy! I’ve got to do it now!”
This was one of the hardest battles I’d ever encountered. Unfortunately, that magnetic pull of wanting to be special to someone didn’t lose its power overnight. The next morning my car became a closet where I put on God’s armor so I could face another inevitable battle. I prayed that I would use His power within me73 to hold up the sword that God had given me when lies seemed more appealing than truth. I decided to walk on the other side of the street, away from a tempting pitfall. And if I were tempted like that again, I prayed that I would be content with God’s solitary companionship.
God used that time to teach me how deadly it can be to be carried away and enticed by my own desires.74 The natural sequence that could have followed would have ultimately brought forth death75 to my relationship with Him, my family, and friends. How thankful I am that God exposed how harmful76 it would be to try to satisfy my human longings apart from Him, how it would have caused more pain. I could trust Him to bring someone into my life if that was His best for me.
A. W Tozer poignantly zeroed in on the choices of an average man. “Let the average man be put to the proof on the question of who or what is above, and his true position will be exposed. Let him be forced into making a choice between God and money, between God and men, between God and personal ambition, God and self, God and human love, and God will take second place every time. However the man may protest, the proof is in the choices he makes day after day throughout his life.”77
After this battle was over, God lovingly draped His mantle of compassion over me as we walked away together.
“Blessed be the Lord, who daily
bears our burden,
The God who is our salvation.
God is to us a God of deliverances;
And to God the Lord belong escapes from death”
(Psalm 68:19, 20).
Copyright 2001, 2004 Donna Christensen
All rights reserved.
Published Online by: The Biblical Reader
www.biblicalreader.com