—Chapter Eighteen —
My posture of kneeling before the throne of grace by my bed had become comfortable. Knowing how I’d prayed, a friend teased, “One of these days you’re going to have knees like a camel!”
“That’s okay,” I laughed as I remembered seeing camels’ knees while in the Holy Land several years ago. Our tour bus had stopped at a roadside stand to buy bottled water. Two men with four camels happened to be at the same stop. The owners, seeking a few American dollars, cried out, “One dollar! Just one American dollar to ride the camels!”
I purposely kept my distance, not only because of the smell, but also from those crafty Bedouins! A naïve tourist walked toward them, wanting her picture taken on the back of a camel. Unexpectedly, one of those huge, baggy animals with dirt caked on his callused knees lowered his head and slurped this hapless woman across the face with his long wet tongue! Everyone laughed hysterically—from a distance!
Daily I was on my knees, no matter their condition. Like a soothing ointment, that time brought healing to my heart and mind. Having experienced more and more of God’s intervention in my life, seeing His mighty hand at work, my faith increased. My confidence grew stronger. It wasn’t unusual to awaken with a verse or a song. But early this morning, God chose something else.
“Donna, I’ve heard all of your effectual fervent prayers.55 I know you intimately—even the number of tears you have cried.56 Your praise during many difficult days have been like incense throughout the heavens. The angels rejoiced because you have chosen to obey those things you know to do.
“I’ve listened as you continually asked that your marriage be restored, despite the recent divorce proceedings. You prayed that your husband would be so miserable that he would change his mind and want to come back home. But he hasn’t.
“Will you still love Me and seek Me if what I give you is not what you have asked? Will you trust My master plan even if it doesn’t include restoration of your marriage? Ever? Am I truly everything you need? Will you continue to love Me, or will you walk away?”
Those early morning questions were as sharp as a two-edged sword.57 Penetrating. Piercing. I felt a jab deep within the root system of my faith probing my thoughts and the attitude of my heart.58 I felt I was choking on the same dust stirred up when Jesus asked His disciples, “Do you want to leave, too?”59
“With all the time we have spent together,” God continued, “will you now trust Me with your future? Donna, do you spend time with Me because you love Me, or only to get what you want?”
I avoided answering by getting dressed, doing a few chores around the house, and then running a few errands.
By the afternoon, I hadn’t shaken God’s intense scrutiny. But when I opened my mailbox to find an official envelope from the Circuit Court addressed to me with a notarized copy of the Final Decree of Divorce enclosed, I knew why God was pressing me for answers. He knew the papers were there.
I couldn’t bear to look at this legalized severance of my life. Sobbing, I cried, “God, why didn’t You work it out my way! Why didn’t You change my husband’s heart? You said, ‘The king’s heart is like channels of water in the hand of the Lord; He turns it wherever He wishes.’60 Lord, why? Isn’t it good that marriages be restored? You said You hate divorce!6’ I didn’t want to be divorced! I didn’t want to be forever branded with a big “D” across my breast! I didn’t want to be an object of pity, suspicion, or even scorn!”
Then the Lord interrupted, “I have promised to give you My best. I have promised that I would not withhold any good thing from you. Donna, the man you married thirty years ago is not good for you now. His heart doesn’t yearn for Me, and that is not good.”
“This day has been so difficult, Lord! I don’t want to listen any more. I’ve had enough! I want the bell to ring so this class can be over!”
But God wasn’t finished. Abruptly this verse came to my mind.
“Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus” (Philippians 4:6, 7 NKJV, emphasis added).
“What was that? ‘With thanksgiving’? How absurd! How could you ask that of me, Lord? I’m not sure I want to continue this discussion right now. Give thanks? Lord, this is too much!”
In the agonizing silence that followed, God shared His reasons for a thankful heart.
“Donna, it’s easy to be thankful when the battle has already been won. Anyone can sing. I hear those songs of praise and thanksgiving quite often.
“And there are also times when you know a battle is coming. You’ve read the book of Joshua. I told Joshua that I had given Jericho into his hand and its king and the valiant warriors before the battle ever took place!62 Donna, I patiently wait for My children to apply those verses today. I want them to come to Me before their battles, expecting to see My victories. I don’t hear as many songs.
“But the most precious songs I’ll ever hear are sung in the midst of the battle. These melodies give evidence of the very pinnacle of believing faith from those who act out of obedience rather than feelings. Those hymns of praise that Peter sang in prison,63 the songs from the lips of Paul and Silas64 while their legs were stretched and their backs were bleeding, rhapsodized my Kingdom! You have no idea what celebration goes on when even one song is sung in the midst of a battle.
“Donna, in your calamity you have sought me with your whole heart. You have cried out to Me in your despair. You have spent invaluable time with Me. And My Comforter has never left you. I want you to keep singing.”
I don’t know how long I sobbed. With my arms stretched out and my face buried in the bed, I couldn’t leave. I stayed as long as it took for God to break through my unrelenting determination that if I prayed long and hard enough, if I trusted enough, and obeyed enough, then surely God would have to answer my prayer the way I wanted Him to. I wanted to call it faith, but God defined it as coming to get what I wanted instead of trusting Him for what was best for me.
Broken, weak, and drained, I whispered, “Lord, I’m beginning to understand. The destruction of my marriage is something I never wanted. I didn’t even want to say the word, much less be divorced. But because my husband chose to turn away, I have gotten to know You in a deeper and more intimate way. And for that, Lord, I am thankful, because You are worth it!”
“For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the Lord, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope. Then you will call upon Me and go and pray to Me, and I will listen to you” (Jeremiah 29:11, 12 NKJV).
Copyright 2001, 2004 Donna Christensen
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Published Online by: The Biblical Reader
www.biblicalreader.com